Overwhelm


I am overwhelmed.

😦

Period.

I posted the song of my life right now “Bring on the rain” a while back…  then followed it up with “Unstoppable“….  The meanings behind those 2 songs haven’t changed.

I have never run a business.

I have never sold anything in my life.

I am a computer programmer… a good one… I can write a kick ass client/server or even Web Database application…  but when I started all this new business stuff, I had to do websites and shopping carts and eCommerce and PayPal and Merchant Gateways and, and, and…  I had total information overload…  C.O.M.P.L.E.T.E.L.Y. 

Not to mention designing and making  the jewelry, and organizing, and bank accounts, and tax numbers, and LLCs, and merchant accounts, and cooking dinner, and getting quality time with my family, and laundry, and  and, and…. the same stuff everyone has to deal with on a daily basis…

So in essence, I exploded.

But then I started to look at all the pieces of me lying around and I noticed something…

I have gotten a lot done.

A lot of behind the scenes stuff is set.

I have made some things and something…

So slowly, I’m putting the pieces together where they go… 

Having appreciation for what they are and what they mean…

My mom, family, friends, husband and son are also finding ways to help me pick up the pieces and make them shine again…

I am overwhelmed…

🙂

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Love is Unstoppable


As most of you know, my taste is music is pretty varied…  Looking at my iPod right now, to prove the point, the next songs in the list are : Coolio, Garth Brooks, Frank Sinatra, Nickelback, The Fray, Pink, Barry Manilow, Shakira, Chris Blake, Carrie Underwood…   (I only go into this because the songs I’ve posted references to… are country…  that could be a whole other post – why country songs offer so much inspiration… #justsaying)

Ok – so in that 10 I did not hit the song I am referencing today (this particular list has 143 songs)…

So, as I was driving home the song by Rascal Flatts “Unstoppable” came on…  I love that song…

Obviously, or it wouldn’t be in my list #duh.

I think it goes nicely with my last post “Bring on the Rain” – and shows where I’m headed…

I came home, got on You Tube to find the video – and came across this one with the Olympics…  I have put the lyrics under the video with my own comments about the song relating to me…  but if you haven’t watch the video – GREAT SONG, great inspiration from the Olympians…

“Unstoppable”

Yeah yeah yeah..
Hey

 So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you’ve had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all

Yes it does…  to us all, some more than others, I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I have taken responsibility for them all – so no real regrets…

When the cold hard rain just won’t quit
And you can’t see your way out of it

I hate that people ever feel like this… I may get down at times – but I have never felt that I couldn’t see my way out…  Well that is kind of a lie – there was the one big big big situation that at first I was SURE I would never get out of…  but… I did (Thanks family)

CHORUS
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what’s been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don’t give in
It’ll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

My FAVORITE line – “it always does… Love is unstoppable”

Love, it can weather any storm,
Bring you back to being born, again
oh, it’s a helping hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shining on the coast
That never goes dim

When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there’s no way out

CHORUS

Like a river keeps on rolling
Like the north wind blowing
Don’t it feel good knowing
Yeah

CHORUS

Love is unstoppable
So you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Love, love is unstoppable

What else is there to say??

oh yeah, Elvis is on now…  LOL

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So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you’ve had a pocketfull of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all

Yes it does…  to us all, some more than others, I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I have taken responsibility for them all – so no real regrets…


When the cold, hard rain just won’t quit
And you can’t see your way out of it

I hate that people ever feel like this… I may get down at times – but I have never felt that I couldn’t see my way out…  Well that is kind of a lie – there was the one big big big situation that at first I was SURE I would never get out of…  but… I did (Thanks family)

[Chorus]
You find your faith that’s been lost and shaken
You take back what’s been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don’t give in
It’ll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

My FAVORITE line – “it always does… Love is unstoppable”

Love, it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born, again
Oh, it’s the helping hand
When you needed it most
The lightouse shining on the coast
That never goes dim
When your heart is full of doubt
As you think that there’s no way out

[Chorus]
You find your faith that’s been lost and shaken
You take back what’s been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don’t give in
It’ll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

It’s unstoppable

Like a river keeps on rollin’
Like a north wind blowin’
Don’t it feel good knowin’
Yeah–

[Chorus]
You find your faith that’s been lost and shaken
You take back what’s been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don’t give in
It’ll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Love is unstoppable
So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
But love, love is unstoppable

Bring on the Rain


As some may know, I recently found a song that *currently* represents my life (thanks to a post by Sally G)

Currently, these lyrics are  my status on Facebook – but I thought it would be cathartic to explain in a little more detail, why these are my lyrics at the moment.  (and FYI – this is mostly about my career, and a specific personal situation – if you know me, you know what I’m talking about)

Plus it is a beautiful song sung by Jo Dee Messina and Tim McGraw… I hope you enjoy it!

(Billy Montana/Helen Darling)

Another day has almost come and gone,
Can’t imagine what else could go wrong.

**well I can imagine – but that is another post

Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door.

**Actually have done that.. doors locked, alarm set, ambien taken #justsaying

A single battle lost but not the war.

*******NEVER THE WAR – #iwillalwaysprevail #justsaying

‘Cause tomorrow’s another day
and I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain.

**reminds me of gone with the wind, that I should drink more water, and that I am ready for whatever is coming – I know I *eventually* will handle it.

It’s almost like the hard times circle ’round.
A couple drops and they all start comin down.

**when it rains it pours right? Sure feels that way! #life

Yeah, I might feel defeated,

**and I do… I so do feel that way – or have most of last year and first of this one..  looking up though… 🙂

I might hang my head,

**I would if my shoulders weren’t plastered to my ears…  but then again, hanging my head in this instance stretches my neck out and it feels better – especially with a hard sigh #seriously

I might be barely breathing, but I’m not dead.

**Hell yes

No, cause tomorrow’s another day,
and I’m thirsty anyway,
So bring on the rain.

**again. same as above – by this point in the song I realize that the rain I drink in makes me stronger…  #liveandlearn

No I’m not gonna let it get me down.
I’m not cry,
and I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight.

**well I have cried, I have lost sleep and I have let it get me down, but not anymore! #havetolistentothissongalotsometimes

‘Cause tomorrow’s another day,
and I am not afraid,
so bring on the rain.

**I am NOT AFRAID – and I love that line

tomorrow’s another day,
and I’m thirsty anyway,
so bring on the rain.

No I’m not gonna let get me down,
I’m not gonna cry.
so bring on the rain.

Bring on the rain
Bring on the rain

What say you?  This song may not resonate with everyone right now – I so hope it doesn’t – but when you feel like this…  jam this song really loud and sing to your heart’s content – it helps 🙂

I listen to the song in the car…  my son has said “I like this song , mommy!” and he proceeds to sing the lyrics really loud… Then asks “Why do we want it to rain?  We can’t swim when it rains”  I’m telling you, that boy can make my day – and actually does – every.single.day. 🙂

Oh my!


I have no idea why I did this today, but I went back on Sarah Robinson’s site (I linked it – but it is http://www.escaping-mediocrity.com)

I went back over the ’30 days to changing your game” series…  I read through the posts and the comments again.

I realized how many people I follow on Twitter or follow their blogs, I met through this series.  Wonderful people.  Generous people.  Caring people.  Supportive people. #awesome #amazing

I had actually forgotten how many of the people I interact with came from this series… again – amazing 🙂

I also realized that there were things I thought, imagined and swore I was going to do/change while those 30 days went on.  I haven’t done all of them.  I have done some of them.

When the series started, I found myself hesitant to comment…  I read the posts and comments and had opinions (of course), but I didn’t lend my voice…  I can’t imagine being hesitant any more.. so chalk up at least one thing I learned and accomplished. (and I did get better in the end!)

While those 30 days were going on… I had to keep asking myself what I wanted to change, what I wanted to do… and all I could come up with evolved around writing and getting myself back into shape.

Now?  Well, I resigned from that very, very well paying job.  I have started 2 companies and am trying to get them off the ground.

I still want to write, for sure, but I have not. <<will work on that…

All of the anxiety and the bad ‘mojo’ from last year has been eliminated from my soul.

I have gone through days of pure joy.

I have gone through days of pure hell.

I have gone through days of a roller coaster ride of both… 🙂

I have re-connected with some of the people – the tribe I met through this series… and that makes me smile.

Where am I now?  I am sitting on that wall between WTF am I doing… and I love what I’m planning and want to do!  Hope it works!  I know that when Sally reads this, she will give me a HARD shove away from the WTF! 🙂

Why is this so hard for me?

I think if I were single, I would be in a different mindset…  but, I may have just moved to a different location and gotten a job doing the same old thing for some robotic corporation… (programming database applications, system architecture, etc… or as my husband and mother put it… computer geek shit).

If I were single, I wouldn’t worry if this would work…

But I am not single, nor do I plan to be, so I must move forward and MAKE this work.

After becoming unemployed – resigned without a next step in place… (YIKES!)…  I wrote down everything that I am good at doing, and everything that I ENJOY doing… and this is where the 2 companies came from…

I decided a few things…

  • I do NOT want to work for anyone (permanently) again.
  • I do NOT want to go to useless meetings.
  • I do NOT want to sit in a cubicle and be a drone.
  • I DO want to get in, do projects and move on.
  • I DO want to do something that I love.

Having a husband, a 4 year old, and a dog that depend on my ability to pay the bills has really been the only thing that has caused me anxiety over this adventure.

Well, setting up the actual business stuff has produced some too, considering I have never done this stuff…

But the end result?  I’m happy.  I’m excited.  I’m ready.

So in essence, this post is a shout out to Sarah and her series…. the tribe of people I met through it, and the support I have gotten through my online community, both people from this series and not…

I also have extremely great support from people I met through supporting Southland, NCIS, Stargate and other great shows, along with other people that I am not sure how I ‘met’ – but am grateful that I did!! #justsaying  (need to write a good Follow Friday Post and call out these great people individually…  I will 🙂  soon…)

I really am blessed.

Thank You ALL 🙂

Subconsciousness


I believe that everything happens for a reason.

I believe that everything has a purpose.

**and let me add that I believe it is up to you, you control the things that happen and what you do with them (hence the title of the post)** 🙂

So, I know that the things that have been going on with me lately are crucial.  They have purpose.  I think I’ve discovered what the purpose is, now I need figure out what to do about it.

I read a blog post by Elizabeth Potts Weinstein the other day – you can read it here… I assume that subconsciously this post, the fact that I understand the feelings in it well, and then mix in the tweets I read from people on Twitter… is the reason that I experienced what I did… (and I left this comment on her blog)

Last night, I had a dream in a dream… Where @andybaldwin was following me around changing out my bad food for healthy, fresh food and making me exercise.

Why Andy Baldwin and not say Dr. Oz? I guess because he is a single, HOT navy doctor and I’ve been thinking of starting to get in shape to run a marathon #butimscared – anyway – I’m digressing…

So as he’s taking all my food and making me do stretches and exercises, He said, “you have to focus on you and get it right” and I gathered up my Kit Kats, Peanut M&Ms & Dr.Peppers and walked out to the car and said “If I was thinking about me, I wouldn’t be in this shape”

So I woke up and the first thought I had? SELF CARE. Live Your Truth talking to me for sure right? 🙂 (read the referenced blog and you will understand)

I know that I wasn’t just referring to my physical shape when talking about being in this shape…

I was talking about my health, my career, my livelihood, my happiness…

Then tonight… While Reading to my son…  One of the Many Dr. Seuss books…  We read “Oh, the places you’ll go!”

I brought the book down and then tweeted these two parts…

…And when you’re in a slump, you’re not in for much fun, Un-slumping yourself is not easily done…

…I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too.  Games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against you…

He’s a smart man… that Dr. Seuss 🙂

So to end it off..

…But on you will go  though the weather be foul.  On you will go though your enemies prowl…

…On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

…And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

…Today is your day!  Your mountain is waiting. So… get on your way!…

interesting huh??

🙂

Updates


First of all, I want to apologize to anyone who had their Google Reader inundated with posts from me!  I just went through all of my posts and added tags – and I didn’t realize that updates got sent to the reader! Sorry.

Now I know.

However, in reading the posts, I laughed.  I went back to the beginning and read my posts…  funny (to me).  However, reading “Forever Humbled” and “Memorial Day” made me tear up because I remember the emotions I had writing them (even though the emotion doesn’t come straight through in the posts…)

I almost deleted a bunch of them, but then decided, NO!  I won’t do that.

I also saw a theme and am literally kicking myself in the ass for it…

Motivation.

Getting it and doing something with it.

Seems I have all the ‘best intentions’ when I write these posts… (I even named a post that) – but as I read post after post of me saying I was going to do this or start that, I had to slam my head down on the desk and then say UH OH.

I haven’t done them…

I haven’t exercised every day (I have even recently let my exercise blog go as cold as my muscles have been)

I haven’t eaten 5 times a day.

I haven’t stopped snacking at night.

I haven’t written much on any of my stories.

I haven’t been the positive public person I strive to be.

So what have I done?

A lot…  Thanks for asking 😉

I have been told by the therapist that I took my son to, that he does not need to see her (its been quite a few months… just giving updates here)

I have been told by my son’s teachers that his behavior has markedly improved to the point of “did he have a problem?”.  (I LOVED HEARING THAT… just saying)

I have been taking my vitamins.

I have been sleeping better.

I have been more patient with my son.

I have been spending more quality time with my husband.

I have been interacting socially (IRL, not just online!)

May not be all that I have planned to do, but I am happy about having done all of those things… and even though I have a lot more to do, and the things on my list are important…  I’m finally doing and getting to the place that I needed to be…

I am happy.

…. update complete 🙂

wasting time?


Boy, I feel like I have done a lot today, and I also feel that I have been wasting time!  I have re-vamped my blogs, changed the colors and the formats and I had so much fun doing that!

I’ve played the Wii with my son…    I get so tickled when he has to explain the game to me and what I am supposed to be doing!  Now I can date my self severely with this next statement, but the last video game I played before we got the Wii, was Atari.

Long time ago!

Today is a good day.  Tonight and tomorrow are bringing me hope of things getting back on track.

This last week has been awesome for me.  I have lost all of the anxiety I have felt over the last 2 years, I have a plan, I have hope in my future playing out like I envision it.  I have connected with some really great people.

Southland was awesome 🙂

Wine was good.

My son was green at school.

My husband… well I’m not supposed to talk about him on here anymore… but he had a good week too! 🙂

Hope everyone else is doing the things they want.  Being the person they want to be and driving toward the thing in life that you really want to do.  There is nothing more exciting.  Nothing more ‘free-ing’.  Nothing more needed.

Here’s to us!