Bring on the Rain


As some may know, I recently found a song that *currently* represents my life (thanks to a post by Sally G)

Currently, these lyrics are  my status on Facebook – but I thought it would be cathartic to explain in a little more detail, why these are my lyrics at the moment.  (and FYI – this is mostly about my career, and a specific personal situation – if you know me, you know what I’m talking about)

Plus it is a beautiful song sung by Jo Dee Messina and Tim McGraw… I hope you enjoy it!

(Billy Montana/Helen Darling)

Another day has almost come and gone,
Can’t imagine what else could go wrong.

**well I can imagine – but that is another post

Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door.

**Actually have done that.. doors locked, alarm set, ambien taken #justsaying

A single battle lost but not the war.

*******NEVER THE WAR – #iwillalwaysprevail #justsaying

‘Cause tomorrow’s another day
and I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain.

**reminds me of gone with the wind, that I should drink more water, and that I am ready for whatever is coming – I know I *eventually* will handle it.

It’s almost like the hard times circle ’round.
A couple drops and they all start comin down.

**when it rains it pours right? Sure feels that way! #life

Yeah, I might feel defeated,

**and I do… I so do feel that way – or have most of last year and first of this one..  looking up though… 🙂

I might hang my head,

**I would if my shoulders weren’t plastered to my ears…  but then again, hanging my head in this instance stretches my neck out and it feels better – especially with a hard sigh #seriously

I might be barely breathing, but I’m not dead.

**Hell yes

No, cause tomorrow’s another day,
and I’m thirsty anyway,
So bring on the rain.

**again. same as above – by this point in the song I realize that the rain I drink in makes me stronger…  #liveandlearn

No I’m not gonna let it get me down.
I’m not cry,
and I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight.

**well I have cried, I have lost sleep and I have let it get me down, but not anymore! #havetolistentothissongalotsometimes

‘Cause tomorrow’s another day,
and I am not afraid,
so bring on the rain.

**I am NOT AFRAID – and I love that line

tomorrow’s another day,
and I’m thirsty anyway,
so bring on the rain.

No I’m not gonna let get me down,
I’m not gonna cry.
so bring on the rain.

Bring on the rain
Bring on the rain

What say you?  This song may not resonate with everyone right now – I so hope it doesn’t – but when you feel like this…  jam this song really loud and sing to your heart’s content – it helps 🙂

I listen to the song in the car…  my son has said “I like this song , mommy!” and he proceeds to sing the lyrics really loud… Then asks “Why do we want it to rain?  We can’t swim when it rains”  I’m telling you, that boy can make my day – and actually does – every.single.day. 🙂

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Oh my!


I have no idea why I did this today, but I went back on Sarah Robinson’s site (I linked it – but it is http://www.escaping-mediocrity.com)

I went back over the ’30 days to changing your game” series…  I read through the posts and the comments again.

I realized how many people I follow on Twitter or follow their blogs, I met through this series.  Wonderful people.  Generous people.  Caring people.  Supportive people. #awesome #amazing

I had actually forgotten how many of the people I interact with came from this series… again – amazing 🙂

I also realized that there were things I thought, imagined and swore I was going to do/change while those 30 days went on.  I haven’t done all of them.  I have done some of them.

When the series started, I found myself hesitant to comment…  I read the posts and comments and had opinions (of course), but I didn’t lend my voice…  I can’t imagine being hesitant any more.. so chalk up at least one thing I learned and accomplished. (and I did get better in the end!)

While those 30 days were going on… I had to keep asking myself what I wanted to change, what I wanted to do… and all I could come up with evolved around writing and getting myself back into shape.

Now?  Well, I resigned from that very, very well paying job.  I have started 2 companies and am trying to get them off the ground.

I still want to write, for sure, but I have not. <<will work on that…

All of the anxiety and the bad ‘mojo’ from last year has been eliminated from my soul.

I have gone through days of pure joy.

I have gone through days of pure hell.

I have gone through days of a roller coaster ride of both… 🙂

I have re-connected with some of the people – the tribe I met through this series… and that makes me smile.

Where am I now?  I am sitting on that wall between WTF am I doing… and I love what I’m planning and want to do!  Hope it works!  I know that when Sally reads this, she will give me a HARD shove away from the WTF! 🙂

Why is this so hard for me?

I think if I were single, I would be in a different mindset…  but, I may have just moved to a different location and gotten a job doing the same old thing for some robotic corporation… (programming database applications, system architecture, etc… or as my husband and mother put it… computer geek shit).

If I were single, I wouldn’t worry if this would work…

But I am not single, nor do I plan to be, so I must move forward and MAKE this work.

After becoming unemployed – resigned without a next step in place… (YIKES!)…  I wrote down everything that I am good at doing, and everything that I ENJOY doing… and this is where the 2 companies came from…

I decided a few things…

  • I do NOT want to work for anyone (permanently) again.
  • I do NOT want to go to useless meetings.
  • I do NOT want to sit in a cubicle and be a drone.
  • I DO want to get in, do projects and move on.
  • I DO want to do something that I love.

Having a husband, a 4 year old, and a dog that depend on my ability to pay the bills has really been the only thing that has caused me anxiety over this adventure.

Well, setting up the actual business stuff has produced some too, considering I have never done this stuff…

But the end result?  I’m happy.  I’m excited.  I’m ready.

So in essence, this post is a shout out to Sarah and her series…. the tribe of people I met through it, and the support I have gotten through my online community, both people from this series and not…

I also have extremely great support from people I met through supporting Southland, NCIS, Stargate and other great shows, along with other people that I am not sure how I ‘met’ – but am grateful that I did!! #justsaying  (need to write a good Follow Friday Post and call out these great people individually…  I will 🙂  soon…)

I really am blessed.

Thank You ALL 🙂

Mother’s Day Wish


What would I like for Mother’s Day?  Well, for starters, I would like a whole day without someone questioning the choices I make for my son.

If I want to send him junk food in his lunch, I will.

If I think it is OK that he touched some other 4-year-old girl’s hair at school, I am not going to punish him because he got YELLOW at school for doing that.  I guess I can’t argue with their ‘rules’, but PUH-LEASE…  I remember being knocked down, jumped on and wrestled.  He touched a girl’s hair and patted it (like he does mine.) Get.over.it.

If I throw away one of his toys because he threw it down the stairs, I will.  (obviously this is after telling him that is what would happen if he did it again)

If I want to make him eat at the table and sit up straight. I will.

If I don’t feel that a 4-year-old who has great teeth needs to go to the dentist RIGHT NOW. I won’t take him.

If I feel it is OK for him to watch a movie.  He will.

If I decide to let him play the DS.  He will.

Get the point?  🙂

Sheesh…  bad week for me I guess…  but come on.

Anyway, on to some lighter stuff and less BS…

Well some time during the last month, my son has come up with new sayings… I should really write them down when I laugh at them… but, I really haven’t.  I think I will remember them, but obviously I don’t… 😦

His absolutely favorite one right now is :  “Mommy, I need to tell you something”

If I have heard that once, I’ve heard it 1,000 times lately… Though we have finally learned the difference between telling and asking…

So actually about half of them are “I need to ask you something.”

His questions and things he has to tell you are interesting…  He gets so excited about things!

He has also been setting rules for things… and everything is a competition… luckily, he always picks me for his team.. 🙂

He has such an awesome imagination..  sometimes I just get enthralled in the stuff he comes up with.

So ultimately I have what I want for mother’s day.. I have an awesome kid…  seriously.  I know I am biased, but he is a smart, caring, empathetic, curious child. 🙂  He has his moments… what kid doesn’t… but mostly, they only last for a VERY short time and he moves on…

A great example was in the pool the other day, He asked me…

“Do you hate me because I got in trouble at school?”

“I will never hate you sweetie…”

“You will always love me?”

“Yes, of course I will always, always love you.”

“Even when I’m bad?”

“Yes, even when you are bad, I will love you.”

“Will you always like me?”

“Hmm…  yes, I will always like you.  I may be mad at something you did, but I will always like YOU”

“So you love me forever and ever and always?”

“Yes, forever and ever and always.”

“I love you mommy”

“I love you too sweetie”

So my mother’s day is already special because not only do I ignore most of the people telling me how to raise my child (99.9% of the time) – my child loves me…

He tells me that every day at least 10 times.  I tell him that just as many times too.  I cherish those times, those words, the love I see in his eyes, the hugs I get and the cuddles.  I know there will come a day when I won’t get that as much, but my goal is to never let that light of love in his eyes diminish! 🙂

So Happy Mother’s Day to every mother out there…  whether you are aware of it or not, if you love your children, they know it.  We all have moments, we all make iffy decisions and we all do the best that we can…  I question myself all the time… but I learn from my mistakes, I make sure he knows he is loved and I listen to what he has to say.  It’s the best that I can do.

Subconsciousness


I believe that everything happens for a reason.

I believe that everything has a purpose.

**and let me add that I believe it is up to you, you control the things that happen and what you do with them (hence the title of the post)** 🙂

So, I know that the things that have been going on with me lately are crucial.  They have purpose.  I think I’ve discovered what the purpose is, now I need figure out what to do about it.

I read a blog post by Elizabeth Potts Weinstein the other day – you can read it here… I assume that subconsciously this post, the fact that I understand the feelings in it well, and then mix in the tweets I read from people on Twitter… is the reason that I experienced what I did… (and I left this comment on her blog)

Last night, I had a dream in a dream… Where @andybaldwin was following me around changing out my bad food for healthy, fresh food and making me exercise.

Why Andy Baldwin and not say Dr. Oz? I guess because he is a single, HOT navy doctor and I’ve been thinking of starting to get in shape to run a marathon #butimscared – anyway – I’m digressing…

So as he’s taking all my food and making me do stretches and exercises, He said, “you have to focus on you and get it right” and I gathered up my Kit Kats, Peanut M&Ms & Dr.Peppers and walked out to the car and said “If I was thinking about me, I wouldn’t be in this shape”

So I woke up and the first thought I had? SELF CARE. Live Your Truth talking to me for sure right? 🙂 (read the referenced blog and you will understand)

I know that I wasn’t just referring to my physical shape when talking about being in this shape…

I was talking about my health, my career, my livelihood, my happiness…

Then tonight… While Reading to my son…  One of the Many Dr. Seuss books…  We read “Oh, the places you’ll go!”

I brought the book down and then tweeted these two parts…

…And when you’re in a slump, you’re not in for much fun, Un-slumping yourself is not easily done…

…I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too.  Games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against you…

He’s a smart man… that Dr. Seuss 🙂

So to end it off..

…But on you will go  though the weather be foul.  On you will go though your enemies prowl…

…On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

…And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

…Today is your day!  Your mountain is waiting. So… get on your way!…

interesting huh??

🙂

Updates


First of all, I want to apologize to anyone who had their Google Reader inundated with posts from me!  I just went through all of my posts and added tags – and I didn’t realize that updates got sent to the reader! Sorry.

Now I know.

However, in reading the posts, I laughed.  I went back to the beginning and read my posts…  funny (to me).  However, reading “Forever Humbled” and “Memorial Day” made me tear up because I remember the emotions I had writing them (even though the emotion doesn’t come straight through in the posts…)

I almost deleted a bunch of them, but then decided, NO!  I won’t do that.

I also saw a theme and am literally kicking myself in the ass for it…

Motivation.

Getting it and doing something with it.

Seems I have all the ‘best intentions’ when I write these posts… (I even named a post that) – but as I read post after post of me saying I was going to do this or start that, I had to slam my head down on the desk and then say UH OH.

I haven’t done them…

I haven’t exercised every day (I have even recently let my exercise blog go as cold as my muscles have been)

I haven’t eaten 5 times a day.

I haven’t stopped snacking at night.

I haven’t written much on any of my stories.

I haven’t been the positive public person I strive to be.

So what have I done?

A lot…  Thanks for asking 😉

I have been told by the therapist that I took my son to, that he does not need to see her (its been quite a few months… just giving updates here)

I have been told by my son’s teachers that his behavior has markedly improved to the point of “did he have a problem?”.  (I LOVED HEARING THAT… just saying)

I have been taking my vitamins.

I have been sleeping better.

I have been more patient with my son.

I have been spending more quality time with my husband.

I have been interacting socially (IRL, not just online!)

May not be all that I have planned to do, but I am happy about having done all of those things… and even though I have a lot more to do, and the things on my list are important…  I’m finally doing and getting to the place that I needed to be…

I am happy.

…. update complete 🙂

Internal Editor


I am really trying to figure a few things out.  Not the deep ‘what is the meaning of life’ stuff, but the ‘little things I notice every day reading web pieces’ stuff…

First of all, I wonder where all the good editors have gone, and then I realize that maybe for online stuff – nobody edits the content before it is published.  Maybe it is the neck-breaking pace of people trying to be the first to get information out – or even that they don’t take the time to re-read their posts before publishing them that causes all of the mistakes.

To top all that off – I have no idea why it bothers me so much.  I have read so many ‘articles’ and ‘interviews’ on people’s websites and blogs, etc – and there have been many mistakes…  it is actually an exception now to read an article without a mistake… even on the sites that should know better than that!!  I can *almost* overlook a missed word, still cringe though at bad grammar… but spelling mistakes?  Really?  COME ON!!!  I’m not even talking about the ones that the spell checker won’t catch (though those still cause cringing) – I’m talking about ones that ANY spell checker would have highlighted or caught if a spell checker was run…

So the question becomes, do you point out these mistakes to the person writing the article?  I hate to put it in comments – who knows if those really get read by the author… I think telling people they made mistakes is the right thing to do – then they can go fix them and not look so inept (yes that is a strong word for in a hurry and too lazy to read through their post) to the next person reading their writing?  Anyone agree?  I have actually posted a few things on here that when I go back and look at them, I find a mistake… I roll my eyes at myself and then fixed it and republish.  Feel free if you find any errors or stupid mistakes on my part – to comment and blast me and let me know! 🙂

Lastly, it seems to me that this internal editor I have – that I cannot turn off (believe me I have tried) might be the cause of my inability to get any real writing done.  I have good stories (I think) in my head that I would love to write.  I need to figure out how to just vomit the words out, not care about form, content, sentence structure, grammar, spelling, etc…  THEN go back and EDIT…  why is that so hard?  OCD?  is there a cure for that? 🙂

drained


I am so mentally, emotionally and physically drained.  Mentally and emotionally because of something that happened to a person that I love this week.  I am not sure what all is going to happen now, but we’ll see..

Physically, I think Billy Blanks has officially kicked my ass.  I was POURING sweat today!  Which is awesome!  Advanced Tae Bo – WOW…  Still a little scared to start P90X on Monday – but looking forward to the results!  I am already feeling the definition in my arms and abdominals!  YEAH!

Sad Week – with Ed, Farrah and Michael – RIP.

Makes me realize how lucky I am to be alive and be with and around the people that I love.

XOXO – Shelly