Overwhelm


I am overwhelmed.

😦

Period.

I posted the song of my life right now “Bring on the rain” a while back…  then followed it up with “Unstoppable“….  The meanings behind those 2 songs haven’t changed.

I have never run a business.

I have never sold anything in my life.

I am a computer programmer… a good one… I can write a kick ass client/server or even Web Database application…  but when I started all this new business stuff, I had to do websites and shopping carts and eCommerce and PayPal and Merchant Gateways and, and, and…  I had total information overload…  C.O.M.P.L.E.T.E.L.Y. 

Not to mention designing and making  the jewelry, and organizing, and bank accounts, and tax numbers, and LLCs, and merchant accounts, and cooking dinner, and getting quality time with my family, and laundry, and  and, and…. the same stuff everyone has to deal with on a daily basis…

So in essence, I exploded.

But then I started to look at all the pieces of me lying around and I noticed something…

I have gotten a lot done.

A lot of behind the scenes stuff is set.

I have made some things and something…

So slowly, I’m putting the pieces together where they go… 

Having appreciation for what they are and what they mean…

My mom, family, friends, husband and son are also finding ways to help me pick up the pieces and make them shine again…

I am overwhelmed…

🙂

It’s my birthday


Today is my birthday…

I started off the day with a wonderful “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” from my husband and then my son…

My son then informed me that he needed to stay home from school with me for my birthday… and that since I watched him get his new belt in testing last night.. that he needed to sit and watch me get my belt this morning… (I did get my new belt, btw – it was fun! :))

As cute as that was… and it was…  he went to school…

My mom picked him up at 11:30 (actual let out time for VPK) and took him to get my present…  I told her he could get me a travel coffee mug – I use those a LOT…

So they come home.. and he hands me a dozen roses…  AWWWWW…

Mom said she tried to get him to buy the pretty sunflowers, but he said ‘NO, he wanted me to have those’ – how freaking awesome is that?

So he picked out a pink travel mug… it HAD to be pink he said – and he also bought me some Junior Mints – my favorite… (at my mom’s bidding I’m sure) – so when I opened them, he tried one and said, “mmm… minty” (Have I mentioned lately how awesome he is?)

Hubby’s gift to me, by the way, was a request from me (don’t ask)… and that he has to take me to see Sex and the City 2 this weekend (can’t wait).

I have had an awesome birthday so far…  I know tonight will be just as good!  I am truly blessed I tell ya!

Love is Unstoppable


As most of you know, my taste is music is pretty varied…  Looking at my iPod right now, to prove the point, the next songs in the list are : Coolio, Garth Brooks, Frank Sinatra, Nickelback, The Fray, Pink, Barry Manilow, Shakira, Chris Blake, Carrie Underwood…   (I only go into this because the songs I’ve posted references to… are country…  that could be a whole other post – why country songs offer so much inspiration… #justsaying)

Ok – so in that 10 I did not hit the song I am referencing today (this particular list has 143 songs)…

So, as I was driving home the song by Rascal Flatts “Unstoppable” came on…  I love that song…

Obviously, or it wouldn’t be in my list #duh.

I think it goes nicely with my last post “Bring on the Rain” – and shows where I’m headed…

I came home, got on You Tube to find the video – and came across this one with the Olympics…  I have put the lyrics under the video with my own comments about the song relating to me…  but if you haven’t watch the video – GREAT SONG, great inspiration from the Olympians…

“Unstoppable”

Yeah yeah yeah..
Hey

 So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you’ve had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all

Yes it does…  to us all, some more than others, I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I have taken responsibility for them all – so no real regrets…

When the cold hard rain just won’t quit
And you can’t see your way out of it

I hate that people ever feel like this… I may get down at times – but I have never felt that I couldn’t see my way out…  Well that is kind of a lie – there was the one big big big situation that at first I was SURE I would never get out of…  but… I did (Thanks family)

CHORUS
You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what’s been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don’t give in
It’ll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

My FAVORITE line – “it always does… Love is unstoppable”

Love, it can weather any storm,
Bring you back to being born, again
oh, it’s a helping hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shining on the coast
That never goes dim

When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there’s no way out

CHORUS

Like a river keeps on rolling
Like the north wind blowing
Don’t it feel good knowing
Yeah

CHORUS

Love is unstoppable
So you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Love, love is unstoppable

What else is there to say??

oh yeah, Elvis is on now…  LOL

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So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you’ve had a pocketfull of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all

Yes it does…  to us all, some more than others, I’ve made my share of mistakes, but I have taken responsibility for them all – so no real regrets…


When the cold, hard rain just won’t quit
And you can’t see your way out of it

I hate that people ever feel like this… I may get down at times – but I have never felt that I couldn’t see my way out…  Well that is kind of a lie – there was the one big big big situation that at first I was SURE I would never get out of…  but… I did (Thanks family)

[Chorus]
You find your faith that’s been lost and shaken
You take back what’s been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don’t give in
It’ll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

My FAVORITE line – “it always does… Love is unstoppable”

Love, it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born, again
Oh, it’s the helping hand
When you needed it most
The lightouse shining on the coast
That never goes dim
When your heart is full of doubt
As you think that there’s no way out

[Chorus]
You find your faith that’s been lost and shaken
You take back what’s been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don’t give in
It’ll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

It’s unstoppable

Like a river keeps on rollin’
Like a north wind blowin’
Don’t it feel good knowin’
Yeah–

[Chorus]
You find your faith that’s been lost and shaken
You take back what’s been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don’t give in
It’ll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Love is unstoppable
So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
But love, love is unstoppable

Oh my!


I have no idea why I did this today, but I went back on Sarah Robinson’s site (I linked it – but it is http://www.escaping-mediocrity.com)

I went back over the ’30 days to changing your game” series…  I read through the posts and the comments again.

I realized how many people I follow on Twitter or follow their blogs, I met through this series.  Wonderful people.  Generous people.  Caring people.  Supportive people. #awesome #amazing

I had actually forgotten how many of the people I interact with came from this series… again – amazing 🙂

I also realized that there were things I thought, imagined and swore I was going to do/change while those 30 days went on.  I haven’t done all of them.  I have done some of them.

When the series started, I found myself hesitant to comment…  I read the posts and comments and had opinions (of course), but I didn’t lend my voice…  I can’t imagine being hesitant any more.. so chalk up at least one thing I learned and accomplished. (and I did get better in the end!)

While those 30 days were going on… I had to keep asking myself what I wanted to change, what I wanted to do… and all I could come up with evolved around writing and getting myself back into shape.

Now?  Well, I resigned from that very, very well paying job.  I have started 2 companies and am trying to get them off the ground.

I still want to write, for sure, but I have not. <<will work on that…

All of the anxiety and the bad ‘mojo’ from last year has been eliminated from my soul.

I have gone through days of pure joy.

I have gone through days of pure hell.

I have gone through days of a roller coaster ride of both… 🙂

I have re-connected with some of the people – the tribe I met through this series… and that makes me smile.

Where am I now?  I am sitting on that wall between WTF am I doing… and I love what I’m planning and want to do!  Hope it works!  I know that when Sally reads this, she will give me a HARD shove away from the WTF! 🙂

Why is this so hard for me?

I think if I were single, I would be in a different mindset…  but, I may have just moved to a different location and gotten a job doing the same old thing for some robotic corporation… (programming database applications, system architecture, etc… or as my husband and mother put it… computer geek shit).

If I were single, I wouldn’t worry if this would work…

But I am not single, nor do I plan to be, so I must move forward and MAKE this work.

After becoming unemployed – resigned without a next step in place… (YIKES!)…  I wrote down everything that I am good at doing, and everything that I ENJOY doing… and this is where the 2 companies came from…

I decided a few things…

  • I do NOT want to work for anyone (permanently) again.
  • I do NOT want to go to useless meetings.
  • I do NOT want to sit in a cubicle and be a drone.
  • I DO want to get in, do projects and move on.
  • I DO want to do something that I love.

Having a husband, a 4 year old, and a dog that depend on my ability to pay the bills has really been the only thing that has caused me anxiety over this adventure.

Well, setting up the actual business stuff has produced some too, considering I have never done this stuff…

But the end result?  I’m happy.  I’m excited.  I’m ready.

So in essence, this post is a shout out to Sarah and her series…. the tribe of people I met through it, and the support I have gotten through my online community, both people from this series and not…

I also have extremely great support from people I met through supporting Southland, NCIS, Stargate and other great shows, along with other people that I am not sure how I ‘met’ – but am grateful that I did!! #justsaying  (need to write a good Follow Friday Post and call out these great people individually…  I will 🙂  soon…)

I really am blessed.

Thank You ALL 🙂

Subconsciousness


I believe that everything happens for a reason.

I believe that everything has a purpose.

**and let me add that I believe it is up to you, you control the things that happen and what you do with them (hence the title of the post)** 🙂

So, I know that the things that have been going on with me lately are crucial.  They have purpose.  I think I’ve discovered what the purpose is, now I need figure out what to do about it.

I read a blog post by Elizabeth Potts Weinstein the other day – you can read it here… I assume that subconsciously this post, the fact that I understand the feelings in it well, and then mix in the tweets I read from people on Twitter… is the reason that I experienced what I did… (and I left this comment on her blog)

Last night, I had a dream in a dream… Where @andybaldwin was following me around changing out my bad food for healthy, fresh food and making me exercise.

Why Andy Baldwin and not say Dr. Oz? I guess because he is a single, HOT navy doctor and I’ve been thinking of starting to get in shape to run a marathon #butimscared – anyway – I’m digressing…

So as he’s taking all my food and making me do stretches and exercises, He said, “you have to focus on you and get it right” and I gathered up my Kit Kats, Peanut M&Ms & Dr.Peppers and walked out to the car and said “If I was thinking about me, I wouldn’t be in this shape”

So I woke up and the first thought I had? SELF CARE. Live Your Truth talking to me for sure right? 🙂 (read the referenced blog and you will understand)

I know that I wasn’t just referring to my physical shape when talking about being in this shape…

I was talking about my health, my career, my livelihood, my happiness…

Then tonight… While Reading to my son…  One of the Many Dr. Seuss books…  We read “Oh, the places you’ll go!”

I brought the book down and then tweeted these two parts…

…And when you’re in a slump, you’re not in for much fun, Un-slumping yourself is not easily done…

…I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too.  Games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against you…

He’s a smart man… that Dr. Seuss 🙂

So to end it off..

…But on you will go  though the weather be foul.  On you will go though your enemies prowl…

…On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

…And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

…Today is your day!  Your mountain is waiting. So… get on your way!…

interesting huh??

🙂

Updates


First of all, I want to apologize to anyone who had their Google Reader inundated with posts from me!  I just went through all of my posts and added tags – and I didn’t realize that updates got sent to the reader! Sorry.

Now I know.

However, in reading the posts, I laughed.  I went back to the beginning and read my posts…  funny (to me).  However, reading “Forever Humbled” and “Memorial Day” made me tear up because I remember the emotions I had writing them (even though the emotion doesn’t come straight through in the posts…)

I almost deleted a bunch of them, but then decided, NO!  I won’t do that.

I also saw a theme and am literally kicking myself in the ass for it…

Motivation.

Getting it and doing something with it.

Seems I have all the ‘best intentions’ when I write these posts… (I even named a post that) – but as I read post after post of me saying I was going to do this or start that, I had to slam my head down on the desk and then say UH OH.

I haven’t done them…

I haven’t exercised every day (I have even recently let my exercise blog go as cold as my muscles have been)

I haven’t eaten 5 times a day.

I haven’t stopped snacking at night.

I haven’t written much on any of my stories.

I haven’t been the positive public person I strive to be.

So what have I done?

A lot…  Thanks for asking 😉

I have been told by the therapist that I took my son to, that he does not need to see her (its been quite a few months… just giving updates here)

I have been told by my son’s teachers that his behavior has markedly improved to the point of “did he have a problem?”.  (I LOVED HEARING THAT… just saying)

I have been taking my vitamins.

I have been sleeping better.

I have been more patient with my son.

I have been spending more quality time with my husband.

I have been interacting socially (IRL, not just online!)

May not be all that I have planned to do, but I am happy about having done all of those things… and even though I have a lot more to do, and the things on my list are important…  I’m finally doing and getting to the place that I needed to be…

I am happy.

…. update complete 🙂

Worthiness


Wow.  I am so excited to be writing a blog post about a specific topic!  Usually I just write about whatever happens to be in my head at the moment when I have time to write!  Today’s topic will be worthiness!  It is in response to a post on Brene Brown’s website here

I know most people don’t actively walk around asking, “Am I worthy?” – Not specifically, but trust me, almost everyone, every day is asking it silently!  You know what I mean…  When someone mentions they just bought the shirt they are wearing, they want to know you approve.  When someone cooks for you, they always love to hear that it is great.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Validation is a very powerful thing… whether you are giving or getting it!

I believe that a person’s feeling of worthiness begins with them.  If you don’t think you are worthy, why would anyone else?   A lot of people out there can put on a ‘public persona’ and fool most of the people around them, but only briefly.  If you don’t believe in yourself, it will, at some point, eventually show!

So now I ask…  Why wouldn’t you believe in yourself?  There is NO reason not to! NONE.  PERIOD.  Let me repeat that…  There is no reason whatsoever for anyone to ever feel they aren’t worthy.

I know that there are people out there who have been told by people in their lives that they aren’t worthy, are useless, or whatever idiotic phrasing they use…  and I’m not a psychologist, but I would venture to guess that whoever has said that to someone else, does so because they don’t believe in themselves.  Think about that.  Why would someone actually take the time to make someone else feel insignificant or bad?  I actually can’t comprehend it because I don’t have that in my life.  Besides the fact that I have a WONDERFUL family and friend support system, I don’t allow people into my life that bring in negativity!

My mother raised me saying a phrase that I love.  Every time I would get into trouble or do something stupid (we don’t need to go into numbers here…) – She would listen to me and then she would say, “You made your bed…  You can change the sheets.”  Now, think about THAT!

No matter what it is that you want to do… TRY to do it! You may fail… EVERYONE does at some point… everyone!   You will never accomplish it if you don’t try!  I have a high regard for believing that anyone can accomplish anything…  OK… I will admit, that now, at my age (again let’s fore-go the numbers) I won’t be winning the American Idol competition!  Even if I could sing, I’m too old!   But other than things like that…  I believe that I could do whatever I set my mind to.

I think the key to feeling worthy is to first respect yourself, then realize that you have value and be proud of yourself.  You are the only you there is.  You are unique.  You are special.  You are Worthy. Believe that.  Live that.  Share that.

Also here is post I wrote on another blog if you are interested – I think it goes well with this topic!  “BeYourself”

Thankful


There have been a lot of things lately that I am not thankful for.  Last year just about destroyed me…  This year started off with my son accidentally breaking my nose…  Then my husband and I got this horrible chest cold that lasted about 3 weeks…  then as I finally started to get over that, I got another virus affecting my throat, head and chest again…  and as I sit here typing, I am trying to keep my nose from bleeding (sorry for the visual)…  and the ranting…  but now on to the good stuff!

What am I thankful for?  My family, my friends, my life.  If you don’t actually know me in person and know the amazing people surrounding me in my life, let me share…  If I called out each person individually, this post would be way too long to read…  suffice it to say that my extended family is awesome… I am an only child, so I grew up surrounded by my cousins and my mother’s cousins – we were together at least once a week at Sunday dinners.  I miss that.  It’s really amazing to look back and see how those dinners, even when we fought having to go to them, formed our relationships and made us closer.  I regret that since I don’t live near everyone anymore – my son will really miss out on something special!

My mother, who raised me most of my life as a single mother is indescribable…  but I will try.  She always put my wants and needs above her own.  I didn’t realize that or appreciate it until I was older and could see what she had sacrificed and done.  My senior year in High School, she moved me to another state so she could go to Veterinary School.  Boy did I rebel.  I tried everything I could think of to stay where I was, but this time, she didn’t let me.  In retrospect I am glad…  I made some amazing friends at the new school that I still keep in touch with today…  and I can’t gush enough or put into words how very PROUD I am of her for going back to college (she dropped her Freshman year because I came along) – and then she became a doctor.. a good one!  I think I can sum up my mother in the phrase she told me my whole life (and still does every time I do something stupid) – She would listen to me talk and then she would say, “You made your bed…  you can change the sheets”  of course, she was always right…

If you read my random list of thoughts (at the top of my blog) – those got written because of a Facebook list going around “25 random thoughts” or something like that … anyway, a few of them refer to my husband.  Can I just say (again) that I am SO glad that I waited until I found the right man before I got married?!  That doesn’t mean that every single minute of our marriage has been perfection…  there are ups and downs like everything in life.  But when I need or want him, I have him.  We definitely have a lot of opposite characteristics which I think balances out rather nicely…  and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

My son makes me smile every day.  Every. Single. Day.  Multiple times a day at that.  Of course he has his moments that make me not smile.  What kid doesn’t!  But sometimes I just sit and stare at him and I smile.  The other day we were driving in the car and taking a friend of his back home and the friend said, “you made the right turn, you know where you’re going” and my son said, “my Mommy and Daddy know everything.  They are adults.  I know a lot of things, but not everything because I am a kid”  How precious is that!!  🙂  Of course wait until he figures out that just because someone is an ‘adult’ doesn’t mean they know everything!  But it was so nice to know that he thinks that of us now!  I did ask him if I could put that in writing – but since he is only 4 – I don’t think he got what I meant.

Friends – Oh my, I have some good ones.  I’m not going to put their names in here – don’t know how they would feel about that…  but I have good friends that I keep up with on a regular basis, that date back to 5th grade!  Others I made throughout my life and am still making!  I have made a few really good friends just since I’ve moved down to Florida.  I wish that I lived closer to them all – of course they don’t all live in the same place – but I see them when I can and am grateful for unlimited texting!  There really is no better description of a true friend than “someone who knows all about you, but loves you anyway”…

And hopefully next week, I will be able to start to say that I am thankful for my health! 🙂

What are you thankful for? If you are grateful for someone in your life – you should tell them! Every single time you think it, SAY IT.  I think sometimes, people get so wrapped in up in the day-to-day crap, that they take the good stuff for granted…  and sometimes, the good stuff will go away if it is not nurtured!  You know?I don’t know a person out there who hasn’t at some point in their life felt like those around them take them for granted.  In most cases, it is not that they aren’t appreciated, but that the other person is getting their stuff done and probably feels the same way!

I started putting little notes in my husband’s and son’s lunch boxes…  It’s not much and takes so little time – but I hope it conveys that I love and appreciate them.

Progress…


Ok – I now have a new wrinkle in the drama called VPK – my 4 year old’s ‘school’.  Seems as of yesterday morning, he has 2 new teachers…  One moved up to the ‘too full’ kindergarten class to help out, and the other one (the one that said he was the worst student in her class) – ‘Unfortunately has had to resign’ – I have to say that I am not sorry to see her go!  I asked him yesterday how he liked the new teacher and he said she was nice and she didn’t yell and she was not grumpy – PROGRESS!! 🙂

For the last week, his new sleep routine has been perfect.  He has adjusted well to the schedule, and now gets up in the morning by himself, on time and gets ready – things are going so well!

Just in case you haven’t read this in any of my other posts, I have an awesome kid.  I just also happened to have a kid that doesn’t like to go to sleep – not sure why yet, but I think with all of us working towards making bedtime fun, relaxing and peaceful – his rebelling against going to sleep should fall away….  so far so good – here’s hoping that continues!  Continuity is the key! 🙂

thinking


Sitting here at 1 am, thinking about many things.  Life is extreme.  It takes you up high, brings you back to reality and hopefully only rarely brings you down low.  Have to say that I love my life.

Sweetie in the pool

Sweetie in the pool

Sometimes, I feel like I run around all day and night and have no time to myself or even enough time to spend with my son and husband.  Today, my mother took my son to stay with her for the day and tonight.  I had practically all day to do whatever I wanted. WOO HOO.  So about noon – I REALLY started missing my son and now I can’t go up and tuck him in (again) and watch him sleep… 😦 But I know that he is having a good time and I will see him in the morning – well later this morning! 🙂

Amazing that he will be 4 in 3 days – (it actually IS Sunday right now!) Wow 4!  Maybe it is because he actually understands that it’s his birthday and what it means this year, but it is really exciting.  We made a calendar of his big events this month:  His birthday, his birthday party, and his first day at his new school!  We have been putting stickers on the days so he can countdown to the big ones!  He is so excited!  I love that!

I can honestly say that until you have kids of your own, you never understand that all encompassing unconditional love reserved for parents.  I had heard about it, but until I had my son, I never truly understood it – but I definitely do know now!

Just saying.